- Today I'd like to celebrate the three most beautiful words in the English language.

- I'm really sorry.

- [Andy] The great American tradition of public apologies where you can artfully say you're sorry whether or not you feel any remorse.

#SorryNotSorry - I'm here today to again apologize.

- I personally apologize for appearing insensitive, criticizing NBC's broadcast of Schindler's List.

- I certainly apologize.

I would not enjoy any type of capital punishment.

- Let me apologize.

I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport.

- I am sorry that I extended confusion about tribal citizenship.

- My deep, sincere apologies.

I confronted it in confession and marriage counseling.

I believe I received forgiveness from God.

- I am the Lord, thy God.

Senator David Vitter, we cool.

- [Andy] True repentance requires honesty, but that's a big sacrifice for a politician.

So a masterful public figure must make clear they are not the problem.

They say if you were offended, then I'm sorry you're so freaking sensitive.

But I am not to blame.

- If anything I've said this morning has been misconstrued in opposite effect, I want to apologize for that misconstruction.

- Those analogies to the Nazis and Soviets and others were poorly chosen.

I sincerely regret if what I said caused anyone to misunderstand my true feelings.

- I apologize to those who feel that I disrespected them 'cause I don't do that kind of stuff.

- [Andy] Smart politicians like this know the mantra.

- It's not your fault, all right?

It's not your fault.

- [Andy] Someone may have screwed up.

But surely, you're not to blame.

- Mistakes were made here.

- Mistakes were made.

- Mistakes were made.

- Clearly, mistakes were made.

- [Andy] Yes, remember, you have nothing to be sorry about.

If someone alleges you did something wrong, maintain your doubts.

- I couldn't even believe I engaged in this kind of conduct.

I couldn't believe that I would treat women this way.

I'm apologizing for the conduct that it was alleged that I did.

- Did I do that?

- [Andy] Excellent disassociation, Senator Urkel.

But why are public figures, who may not even intend to change their behavior, wasting time on apologies anymore when all the way back in 1952, a brave leader came up with a far better option?

Accused of accepting improper campaign gifts, Richard M. Nixon faced being dumped as VP from the Republican ticket.

But he did not apologize.

- You will find that not one cent went into my personal pocket.

- [Andy] Instead Nixon valiantly changed the subject.

- We did get something, a gift, after the election.

You know what it was?

It was a little Cocker Spaniel dog.

The kids like all kids love the dog, and I just want to say this right now that regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it.

- [Andy] Who's a good boy?

Richard Nixon, that's who!

It didn't matter that Nixon didn't know a minor detail like his beloved dog's gender, Nixon had cracked the code.

And any doubts about his ethics were forgotten, never to be questioned again.

Today's politicians could learn something.

If you'd rather challenge an accusation when you don't believe an apology is owed, fear not, there's a solution.

- The entire thing has been a witch hunt.

(cat meowing) And there is no collusion between certainly myself and my campaign.

- I have not provided alcohol beverages, alcoholic beverages, beer, or anything else to a minor.

- In ninth grade, in 1980, I started keeping calendars of my own.

For me also it's both a calendar and a diary.

- We're finally in a post-apology era that lets leaders be honest about who they are without ever pretending that they want to change.

But if that thought offends you, then I'm deeply sorry.